Desperation

 

Desperation is the word I have been thinking of often in a past few months. I find my soul screaming and pleading for help. Pleading for answers and guidance from God.

We as parents are solely responsible for keeping our children safe and guiding them according to the will of God. We as Christians are not immune to troubling times. How we handle those times is what makes us stronger and shows our true character. Most important how much we truly trust and believe in God.

I look at this picture of my son’s brain above and think how I felt in those minutes and that night. It must be human nature to get a flange of worry and sadness that overwhelms us.

My son has had a medical condition from a very young age where he suffers from migraine like headaches. It is so severe that we can never commit ourselves to going anywhere because we never know when the next headache can occur. His headaches are so severe that he can’t focus, he can’t stand noise, he is vomiting and in severe agony.

I was very blessed to be a calm mother. To sit with my son and gently stroke his arm or just lay with him. The love one has for a child is a soft embrace of security and hope.

We don’t have any type of medical insurance, so any type of medical situation is always a desperate situation. Finally I was able to take my son to a wonderful Pediatrician to see what is wrong with him. In my mind I kept praying for God to please let it be just nothing. My boy had to go for a CT scan and we could only get the results the next day as the doctor was called out on an emergency.

While I stood there with him in the CT room, I felt how the tears kept building up. I tried my best to keep my calm and ensure my boy everything was fine. I contacted everyone who I could and asked for prayer. The results, my boy is perfectly fine, no growth no nothing. The cause is as the doctor will say “can not clarify it” and “unknown”. He is on medication with remarkable results.

Any parent knows how desperate we feel when there is any type of medical emergency or sever situation. We always pray for good outcome. In those single moments for us it is not only worrying about my children but where to get the funds to pay for the medical costs. That desperation that you will do almost anything to help the ones you love.

I have found myself bursting into tears several times at a hospital because we needed help and they would not understand. They just didn't care.

Today was one of those days, but not for my son, but for my life partner. My husband is the kindest most wonderful person on planet earth. He suffers from a severe problem with his back and leg due to a very old work related injury. It is so severe that he walks with a permanent limp and paint every single day.

As a mother and wife my fears are what if he can’t work anymore, what will happen to us. We can’t afford for him to see the specialist due to the costs of the MRI testing. I cried and pleaded, but my desperation falls on deaf ears.

All I can do now is pray for a miracle from God. No matter what situations we find ourselves in, we always have to trust in God to keep us strong. Even if it is just strong for those whom we love.

Blessings

Maryna